


How to Find Lost Things

by glasscentury



Series: How to Find Lost Things [1]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Non-Graphic Smut, kpop
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-17
Updated: 2018-11-22
Packaged: 2019-08-24 18:19:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16645403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glasscentury/pseuds/glasscentury
Summary: Being with him was the stuff dreams are made of. But why weren’t they your dreams?





	1. One

He was far away again, but then again, he was most of the time. Even when Hoseok was right next to you, you felt distant, unplugged. He would hold you closely, you would feel the warmth of his body encasing yours, the occasional brush of his fingertips on your face or down the outer ridge of your arms if he woke up before the sun. Hoseok would sigh softly, the puff of air rustling in your hair.

But none of it mattered.

Your body would respond, your cheeks flushing if he pressed you for more affection, the moans coming one after another if he made love. Hoseok was careful, studious, tender. But to you it was a million miles away.

You curled on your side out of habit. You should have been enjoying the luxury of a wide open bed, the sheets that normally covered the mountain of him were flat and empty. However, everything that you did was done more out of habit than out of desire or want. It was your ritual, how things were done. It was comfortable. Hoseok was comfortable.

You could leave it all and maybe find actual happiness. You could run. The thought of the shadowy, dark unknown was what kept you in your place, kept you curled on your side of the bed you shared with him.

You stared out the tall windows at the stars that you could make out from where you rested your head on your pillow. They were pretty, glistening against the dark sky; you should have been enchanted. You should have wished that he were here to see this with you, to fall asleep with his face in your neck as he shaped himself around you, molded himself to your form. But there was nothing. You blinked and yawned, waiting for the time to pass.

Not just the night. You weren’t just waiting for the morning to come or for the sun to lift the darkness. You wanted all of it to pass, the whole thing to be over, for the dull ache that lingered under your surface to cease. Maybe then you could finally sleep, you could rest at last.

Your eyes flickered under the weight of the physical sleep your body required, blinking rapidly until at last you gave in and succumbed to a blissful, temporary unconsciousness.

It would do for now. Until worse came to worse.

You had expected the sun to wake you up, gentle rays pouring through the window uninvited. Your next surprise came when a heavy form slid underneath the covers behind you, matching touches on your back the only warning that long warm arms would snake over your side and pull you backwards.

Hoseok kissed your cheek slowly, lingering in your scent, brushing his nose across your skin.

You waited with closed eyes, not acknowledging the gesture, until he sighed and finally gave up, settling behind you, tucking you safely into the valley he created with his body. Hoseok cradled you and buried himself in your hair. His bare torso warmed you wonderfully, staving off any chills from the open window.

Hoseok fell asleep in a matter of minutes, but not before wiggling his hand in between the knot you had created with both of yours. He unclasped your tight hold on the blanket and slid your smaller fingers between his large ones. He squeezed firmly, only loosening when he dozed off.

‘I love you…’ Hoseok murmured quietly, his voice trailing off into the early morning haze.

You should have whispered it back, or at least felt your heart flutter against your skeleton, but you didn’t. There was no excitement, no rush of nerves as you responded to his daily confession. There was only the heavy emptiness that held you down, that muted your heart and kept it in its place.

Soon after, the sun came up to find Hoseok still wrapped around you, his hand holding yours tightly at your chest. Someone smarter, better at acting, someone who loved Hoseok like he should be loved - they would have stayed put in the cocoon of his arms, in the heat that felt like it came from someplace deeper than his body. But you weren’t them, and maybe you never could be that person.

You pulled yourself from the center of his chest, dropping his hand on the bed as you sat up. You took a moment to yawn and gain your bearings.

Hoseok let out a small, sleepy whine. He reached for you blindly, finding your thigh and then the rest of you. He pulled himself closer, balling around you, his arms around your middle, his head in your lap.

‘Come back to sleep,’ he muttered against the cotton of the blankets that twisted around the both of you.

You didn’t.

‘Why are you back early?’ you said. You looked down at him curiously.

He sighed, his eyes still closed.

‘Finished early… wanted to see you…’

Hoseok let the exhaustion take him again, settling down with his nose pressed into your stomach. In spite of the sleep he was getting now, there were dark circles under his eyes, crescents telling the tale of the fatigue he had endured.

There was a small pang in your chest as you studied him, but you weren’t sure exactly what it was. Could it be at least a form of affection? You ran your fingers over his scalp, skating through the waves of his hair dutifully.

Hoseok sighed and tightened the arm around your back in response.

You should have felt a flutter in your heart at the trust he had in you. You shook your head and decided the spark was more guilt than anything, your conscience pointing you to how you should be responding to Hoseok, to what he expected.

Hoseok had never been anything less than kind to you. From the moment he met you, he had taken responsibility for you, for your wellbeing. He was head over heels in an instant, a status that changed with time to complete devotion. He was steadiness and certainty. Hoseok’s frame contained all the love one person could ever want, and it was all for you.

You weren’t sure what motive had made you go along with the notion of first going out with Hoseok. He was clever and charming, and the laughter he drew from you was genuine. He was funny and warm, and there was something like a safety net about him - if you stayed with him, you would be secure and not alone. Over time, the relationship had become your security blanket, your shield from all the dangers the world had to offer. Even if you didn’t reciprocate his feelings, as long as you were with him, nothing could go wrong.

And so you combed through his hair, leading you slowly down the back of his neck, tracing lines into his skin. Hoseok melted at your touch, condensing into you as close as he could get. A gentle smile landed on his face, his lips slightly parted with the hold sleep had on him.

You wanted to get up, to shower and go for your morning walk, but Hoseok wanted you more. So you stayed, blankly cradling his head on your lap as he slept peacefully, because this was better than nothing, better than being alone.

It felt like an eternity passed, sitting there holding him. Your crossed legs ached from being under Hoseok’s weight for so long without moving. You adjusted yourself several times, holding his head in your arms while you found a more comfortable position. Each time you laid him back down, Hoseok would let out a soft puff of a sigh, adjusting himself as well, scooting himself closer if you had accidentally put distance between you and burying himself in your shirt. He would renew the tight hold he had around your waist and let himself drift off again.

You thought carefully and dipped low to lay a kiss on his temple. You felt what could have been a smile curve up against your abdomen, but you ignored it and returned to playing in his hair absently.

‘Again,’ Hoseok pleaded quietly, his eyes still closed as he wavered on the edge of consciousness. He tapped your hip insistently. ‘Please?’ He added a small while to his voice, just in case the simple request wasn’t enough to move you.

You waited a moment, pretending to consider it, before you repeated the motion, this time letting your lips linger on the tiny soft hairs that marked the beginning of his hairline. You knew Hoseok would love it, so you did it.

He hummed appreciatively.

You weren’t often affectionate with Hoseok, and he was painfully aware of it. His sweet nature made him the clingy sort. If he was near you at all, he had to be touching you, physically connected in some way even if it was just holding your hand or pressing his thigh against yours if he was sitting next to you.

But you, you couldn’t return that, you couldn’t match his level of intensity. He understood, but still Hoseok was always eager for any time you might put your hands on his body, or even brush your fingertips over his skin. He never pushed you beyond your comfort level or asked more of you than what you could give, but the desire in his eyes still made itself evident every time his gaze met yours.

Your lips still grazing against his temple was more than he than he had asked for. A soft snuffle sent your breath ruffling through his already tangled locks, and Hoseok brimmed with delight.

His hand slid up the center of your back slowly, using his other arm to push himself upwards. He briefly nestled against your throat, kissing with featherlight contact before working up to your face. Hoseok smiled at you brightly, and even with his hair sticking up at awkward angles, he was charming. You should have melted in the spot, and you did your best to return a gentler version of his expression.

Hoseok gazed at you stupidly, blinking slowly in the morning sunlight that highlighted his bare upper half. He paused for a moment before reaching for you with need. You allowed it, leaning into the large palm that cupped your cheek. His thumb rubbed a soft crescent into your skin, and Hoseok’s breath caught audibly.

You closed your eyes on cue and let yourself go, let yourself rest in his touch. It wasn’t much, but Hoseok would like it.

You felt his breath on the space of your chest bared by the too-large shirt, and you knew he was close. His other hand found your waist, quickly slipping around to the small of your back. Suddenly, Hoseok’s nose bumped into yours unceremoniously, but he remained unbothered, caught up in you.

‘How?’ he whispered, his voice low and gravelly with the sleep he had fought off to focus on you. ‘How are you this beautiful all the time?’

You blushed at his ridiculousness, snorting with amusement. Hoseok didn’t budge.

‘No, seriously,’ he continued, purposefully grazing the tip of his nose against yours. ‘You’re always so gorgeous without trying. I’m so lucky I get to do this everyday.’

Without further comment, Hoseok came in for the kill, pressing his lips to yours eagerly. You brought your hands to his chest, amazed by the heat that flourished under your palms. His heart rate fluttered and rushed as he felt your touch. Hoseok pushed forward to encourage your exploration, guiding you deeper into the valley of his chest. He exhaled breathlessly into your mouth, your lips parting for him automatically. He swept inside, his tongue probing and exploring, conquering effortlessly. His pulse rushed under your hands, his heart beating almost too fast to be real. Hoseok dug his fingertips into the back of your neck to hold you captive to his kiss. To him you were his, even if he could never have your heart.

You returned his pressure as best as you could, letting his tongue take over yours, letting yourself be drenched in how he tasted, how he smelled. Everything was Hoseok, his arms, his mouth, his chest. You were almost swimming in his need before you could pull back for air.

Hoseok followed you, unable to bear having distance between you when all he wanted was to be close to you.

He eyed your mouth, his hands sweeping down your back, fingertips daring to slip into the waistband of your sweatpants. His chest heaved as he panted, desperate for air, but he didn’t care. He would give up breathing just to kiss you once more, if all it meant was that you knew he was yours.

Hoseok tilted his head and leaned in to blaze a gentle trail of sensation down your throat. You felt him smile softly as he reached your collarbone, stopping his kissing and floating just above your skin, breathing in deeply.

You raked your fingers through his hair as though you wanted him to continue, but Hoseok had another idea. His fingers came to wrap around your wrist, guiding your touch back to his chest.

For a moment, you let yourself marvel at his width. You remembered the skinny rail that he used to be when you had met him, the almost nothing Hoseok that could be blown away by a strong wind. The godlike sculpture of a man you had your hands on was a complete contradiction, a completely new being that opposed tiny Hoseok in every way but one - the smile that cracked onto his expression so easily in your presence. He never hesitated to be himself around you, to let his true personality be on display. Hoseok was loyalty and ease, faithfulness and joy, everything that you could ever ask for in a partner. You should care, you should have been exhilarated watching him perch on his knees on the bed in front of you.

Hoseok stared down the length of his body and then looked up at you. His bottom lip darted backwards between his teeth and he bit down hard, choking back a groan as you ran your hands up his thighs firmly.

You knew him, his signals, his programming. You knew what he wanted, and you hardly ever denied him. Hoseok was too good to you, he deserved more than bare minimum effort in return. So you tried.

Hoseok watched your face as you reached his upper thighs, your thumbs pressing into the insides. It didn’t feel mechanical to him. It felt good, you always felt good. It was why he kept coming back for more.

His arms fell to his sides lazily and he leaned back, letting you have your way. He spread himself open for you, a full display for you to touch and taste. But why weren’t you hungry?

You skirted over the waistband of his boxers, dipping your fingertips inside to tease him before moving on. Hoseok choked back a whine mid-note, his lip still firmly between his teeth. His gaze still held steady, unwavering. He would take whatever you were willing to give him.

The muscled surface of his abdomen, though, trembled as you traced its furrows and lines, feeling the tension shift and follow your touch. The devious side of you enjoyed this part, testing how far his resilience could go, but you didn’t push your luck very often. Hoseok was sweet to you more often than not, even in the throes of passion, and he deserved the same in return.

You made your choice easily, bending in half in front of him. You let your gaze connect with his on the way down until your nose was hovering near his belly button. You smiled up at him deviously, and Hoseok visibly fought off the instinct that screamed at him to touch you, his hand balled into a tight fist at his side. What he couldn’t stop was the low groan that left his throat as your lips pressed a light kiss on his pelvis.

‘You can touch me if you want,’ you said invitingly, before reconnecting more firmly, letting the tip of your tongue probe along a thick, protruding vein.

Hoseok didn’t hesitate, and soon he was all about finding parts of you that he could reach. You wrapped your arm around one of his thighs, doing your best to keep him still, but he was too excited, too eager to be all over you. His fingertips explored your back, managing at least to pull your shirt up and over your head. You could feel then, his damp palms flat against your skin, just exactly how much heat burned within him.

Hoseok was careful, but deliberate as his fingers tangled with strands of your hair.

‘B-babe,’ he choked out, clutching at your face.

You peered up at him up the vast landscape of his body. You let your breath puff out hot against his abdomen, but his skin was already flushed and damp on its own.

Hoseok pulled you upward firmly, his face gaunt with thirst. He was on edge, you could see it in the clench of his jaw, the tremble in his fingers as he reached for you.

You let him guide you, watching him discard the last of his clothing, the cotton heavy with sweat peeling from his thighs like another layer of skin.

The first time you had seen him naked, the first time Hoseok bared himself to you, you had acted out the appropriate reaction, gasping at how virilely his body had reacted to you. Hoseok had smiled, his cheeks turning pink with only a slight notion of shame.

‘Do you trust me?’ he had said, laying you back carefully. You never doubted the honesty in his intentions, the pure love in his heart as he moved within you, even as he did now.

Hoseok moved with grace, without pause, gazing down at you with nothing but adoration. He filled the air with the grunts of his efforts, his back arching and his shoulders almost rippling as his entire world shrunk to you and how you made him feel.

Your body responded to his, but of its own accord. You felt the waves of pleasure at your core, but they might as well have been happening to someone else, someone who deserved Hoseok’s attention far more than you did. Somewhere in that distal reality of the surface, someone who looked like you was making love to Hoseok, kissing his lips in a giant sloppy mess, biting his bottom lip, clenching around him as he drove down, chasing both of your highs. But that person was not you. Hoseok was inside you, but he could never know what was at your center. Was it nothing, a cold abyss, some defect in your heart that left you broken and love who you wanted to.

You weren’t sure what the right answer was. You hadn’t been able to figure it out for years. Maybe you were made of ice, unable to actually feel anything but what you lacked. Maybe you couldn’t summon the right emotion or make your heart race under his touch, but the one part of yourself that you were certain of was that you needed Hoseok. You had carefully built your walls around both of you, he was at the center of your empty shell. Hoseok kept you going, gave you warmth and life, and like the earth needs the sun, you continued to orbit around him, anchored to the gravity he lent you.

You were unsure of the face you were making as Hoseok continued to press and pull. The width of his hips made your thighs burn as you struggled to keep him centered between your legs. You bit your lip, swallowing the moan your body manufactured way too easily for your taste. Quickly, you tangled your hands behind Hoseok’s neck, digging in and pulling him down closer to you. His chest brushed yours as he moved, groaning as the angle proved more difficult. You needed this though, needed to hide, something you achieved by burying your face in the side of his throat. You let out a tiny moan to keep him from stopping, making him feel that you were close.

His spare hand gripped your hip with white knuckles adjusting you until you fit him perfectly, every motion now blazing white fire that threatened to burn everything down in its path. Hoseok tensed, his lips against your ear. He moaned deeply, letting all his barriers down and letting you in on everything that he felt. He made a sound with every movement, every time your fingertips slid into the curve of his back.

It wasn’t long before Hoseok collapsed, his weight almost forcing the oxygen from your lungs. He grunted under his breath as his hips jolted involuntarily, his high taking over. You shuddered around him and wrapped your arms around his back to steady yourself. You felt him start to come down, his muscles relaxing, but his heart still beating violently against your chest. He breathed heavily, trying to whisper sweet nothings, laying tired kisses down the ridge of your shoulder.

He spent a minute there, murmuring about how he loved you, how amazing he felt, before peeling away with regret.

The only thing you regretted was the sudden cold from the chilled sweat coating your skin. The goosebumps ran up stomach, your arms, and you shivered. It was impressive how much heat Hoseok actually provided and you distinctly felt the lack of it. You curled on your side to face him, as if somehow the proximity would make a difference. All you found was Hoseok smiling at you softly, leaning in close to kiss you with tired lips. You let him, responding with a tender pressure that belied your lack of interest, how distant you felt.

Hoseok wrapped his limbs around you one by one, his thigh over your hip, his arm under your back, one hand free to trace your cheekbone, to caress your face with slow fingertips.

You lay in his arms, his body flush against yours, your arm around his back so you didn’t discourage his attentions. You waited, your breathing evening out even as Hoseok tucked your head against his chest and settled with the tip of his nose in your hair. Slowly, the thumb stroking half-moons on the back of your neck stopped moving as he fell back asleep, spent and exhausted from the attentions he doted on you so diligently.

You closed your eyes, appropriately feigning sleep yourself, waiting. You couldn’t stay here, and you knew that if you did, it would mean another whole day spent in the same fashion - Hoseok waking up, kissing you, arousing himself until he couldn’t refrain the pull of his hormones any longer. Your body ached just thinking of the possibility.

You had let it happen before, any time you felt guilty enough from ignoring him or not paying him enough attention for his liking. The day after passed in just as much misery, chiding yourself for being too indulgent, your muscles complaining loudly of what you had put them through just to give Hoseok pleasure, to satiate him. Days like that were above and beyond what anyone could ask of you, but maybe if you loved him like he deserved, you would want to stay in bed with him all day. Maybe it would be a privilege you would want to take advantage of, laying in his arms for seemingly endless hours.

But to you, the few minutes you had already spent with Hoseok tangled around you grew wearisome. His leg on your hip pressed down heavily with his dead weight, his abdomen rising and skating his skin over yours everytime he inhaled. His arm under your side dug against your ribs uncomfortably, making it hard to breathe properly. The smell of the drying sweat coating his chest filled your nostrils. Hoseok was handsome, sculpted by the gods themselves, and more than you deserved, you knew that. But staying like this for hours wasn’t on your list for today.

You felt the guilt rot in your core as you gently lifted his leg from on top of you, folding the arms that encased you against his chest as you carefully freed yourself. Hoseok stirred only slightly, the exhaustion doubled in its effects keeping him from waking.

You leaned down, careful to perform your duty, and kissed his cheek lightly. You attentively pulled the covers up over his bare skin, tucking it around his form to keep him warm. You sighed and stepped away, gathering the things you needed to take a shower. You were on the threshold of the bathroom door when Hoseok’s voice suddenly made you pause.

‘Babe?’ His eyes stayed closed, half-muffled by the pillow he rested on. His hand searched for you blindly, but on not finding you, grabbed a fistful of the blankets and pulled them up the center of his chest. ‘God,’ Hoseok sighed. ‘I love you so much. I hope…I hope you can see that.’ He nestled back down into the pillow.

The shame choked the words in your throat, your face reddening with their unexpected power. You were embarrassed of yourself, as you should be, sick with the guilt of how you should feel. He was perfect, an entire complement to your true self. Even in his state of sleep, Hoseok only wanted you, your love in return, but you searched deep inside and found only emptiness. But you looked at him now, knowing that you had nothing that you could give him in return. But yet, you still swallowed hard and forced the words from your mouth, adding the sweet note at the end that you knew he loved.

‘I love you too, baby.’

A smile made of pure honey immediately formed on Hoseok’s face, and he curled the blankets into his center even more tightly.

You took a deep, steadying breath. That should have been you there, he needed you there, letting him hold you, feeling your own arms do their best to wrap around him, but you couldn’t force yourself back. You still felt the sick dampness between your thighs, smelled his raw, unwashed scent coating your body in a thick veneer of testosterone. You stepped away, turning your back on him to scrub off what you could of him in the shower.

You let the hot water cascade down you, trying to return to a normal state of mind. The suds broke up the sweat and stickiness, but it could not chase away the ghost of his white knuckled hands grabbing desperately at you for purchase, the echo of sounds made in secret for your ears only. You were haunted by the image of what you should be to him, of what you could be if you could make yourself feel. You pictured his smile again, curving angelically on his lips, but your heart beat steadily onward without a flutter, your almost comatose pulse ignoring what you needed it to be. There was still nothing, no matter how much you tried to make it otherwise.

What was wrong with you?


	2. Two

When you left the bathroom, soaked in steam relief, Hoseok had perched on the end of the bed, scratching his chest and blinking in confusion. He watched you enter and a dumb smile took over his face.

You knew that look. It never mean anything good. You made a mental note to stay out of his reach, but Hoseok was faster than you thought he would be. Before you could completely skirt around him, he had snagged the bottom hem of your tank top, simultaneously reaching for your wrist. You sighed as you were towed around to face him, Hoseok grinning victoriously.

You rolled your eyes at him, prompting a sleepy giggle that should have tickled you pink.

‘Come here, come on,’ he whined cutely. Hoseok hooked his hands behind your legs above your knees, and he started to pull you into his lap.

‘Hoseok, I have things to get done,’ you protested, but he couldn’t be dissuaded.

‘You never just stay with me in the mornings after,’ he said. Hoseok stuck out his bottom lip as he tugged harder, his strength vastly outdoing your resistance. He maneuvered you onto the bed with a knee on either side of him, his arms locked like iron around your back.

You sighed again helplessly but played along, placing your palms on his chest, comfortably folded in his lap. Your nose objected to the heavy dose of testosterone and sweat that you inhaled, and you crinkled it at him obviously.

‘I know, I know! I’ll shower after this,’ said Hoseok, cutting you off before you could say anything about how he smelled.

‘And this is…what exactly?’ Your voice left you more coldly than you had intended, but you wanted to avoid turning this into another round of his favourite activity.

It was Hoseok’s turn to sigh, but his was notably more cheerful than yours. His hands ran up the curve of your back, and he rested his head on your shoulder, tucking his face underneath your jawline.

‘Time that I get to be with you,’ he said softly. His voice reverberated along the thin nerves of your chest, but the effect of his words was far stronger on your heart. You were constantly worried that maybe Hoseok would start to figure out your game, that one day he would open his eyes and put together all the pieces. He would follow the trail of breadcrumbs and the pattern of cold behaviour. What he found at the end of it would completely destroy him. So you worked tirelessly for his happiness. You stayed put in his lap, enduring.

You sucked back your bottom lip between your teeth. It was only a matter of time until you would feel the faint trail of his kisses starting up your neck. It was how things always began, like brushing a lit match through dry kindling. The only choice was to burn until you smoldered out into a heap of exhausted limbs, your body surrendered to everything that Hoseok wanted to do to it.

Hoseok reaching your earlobe was marked by a sigh heavy with steam. He cupped your face as he reached up to find your lips. He kissed you with an extra dose of sugar. He pulled away to gaze up at you, eyes wide with his own brand of innocence that belied all the things you had just done on the same bed together.

What gave away exactly what he was capable of, the direction his thoughts tended to wander in was the obvious smell of sex that ebbed from him, the rub of his bare thighs against your own legs.

Even with no resistance to his affection, Hoseok searched your expression and found little to encourage him to continue. You stared down at him blankly, unsure of what to do.

Hoseok’s smile faded, the brightness in him turning to concern.

‘Did you like it? This morning, I mean,’ he said, no longer certain of himself. ‘Being with me?’

You hated when he was like this, when it was obvious that you had let your guard slip for a moment, that you had given him a reason to doubt his status in your heart, even if it was fictional.

You nodded, but the words didn’t come. You scrambled to try to find the right ones.

‘I always like being with you,’ you said finally, but the dishonesty weighed heavy, a scorching burden just below the surface of your skin. Was that obvious to him too?

Hoseok sighed and ran his fingers up your thighs, reaching around to tangle himself around you. He kissed the junction of your lips, nudging your cheek with his nose before settling his head on your shoulder.

‘You just seem sad,’ he said softly.

You buried your fingers in his hair, leaning down into him.

Hoseok saw more than you cared to admit. It was more of a question of how deep he could see and how transparent were you being. You needed to be more careful or everything you had so carefully built would fall apart.

You kissed the top of his head tenderly. You liked Hoseok a great deal, and you would never pick anyone else over him. Maybe it wasn’t a great romance, and maybe you would never know what it would be like to be swept off your feet, but how you were with Hoseok was as close as you could get to love. That had to count for something.

Or maybe it was the exact opposite. And by all rights, you should be reflecting all the love he had so diligently invested in you directly back at him, a mirror of his affection. By all counts, you were guilty, nothing but a filthy liar, dragging a perfectly honest man through the mud, games, and manipulation, all so you wouldn’t have to endure being alone with yourself. Once you were unmasked, would Hoseok even want to be alone with you? You were the worst sort of human.

Hoseok’s breath came steadily, his fingers tracing the lines of your back through your shirt. He was living in his moment, completely confident in the relationship that you had built together. Completely confident in you.

Tears sparked in the corners of your eyes, the guilt wrenching you into a knot from the inside. If you weren’t already on your knees, the overwhelming conviction would have slammed you down onto them. Your breath stuttered as you tried to keep all of it at bay. Hoseok couldn’t know how he was affecting you, it would ruin him. You tried to swallow it all down, but the swelling storm inside you refused to go down past the painful knot in your throat.

You turned your head to look at the door. That was an option at least. If you weren’t there, Hoseok would be free to find someone who could do his heart justice, someone who deserved all the kindness that he generously doled out on you. It would hurt at first, sure, but he would heal when he realized he wasn’t missing anything at all. The separation would be the most painful part.

You bit your lip hard as you considered the possibility, as you pictured yourself leaving.

As for your outcome, you would be alone. But maybe that was how it was supposed to be. Maybe it was what the universe had in mind for you. You could live with it, you could adapt.

The nerves in your back wove themselves into steel. Every breath felt like it was raking sharp claws across the back of your throat as you fought with all of your inner strength to keep yourself calm.

‘Babe?’

Too late, it was too late to chase the red from your face, the sparks of heartbreak in your eyes. He would look and he would know.

Hoseok lifted his head from your chest, looking up at you curiously.

You flushed an even deeper shade of red, the tears threatening more fury than you could blink back. It was all futile.

His palm curved around your cheek, his arm tightening around you.

‘What’s wrong?’ he said. He pulled you flush against his torso, guiding your forehead down to his. ‘Talk to me.’ Hoseok whispered gently. ‘Did I hurt you? What happened?’

You shook your head and tried to pull away, to finally head towards the door that was screaming for you to use it. It would be better this way, you knew it would.

But Hoseok held you fast, unwilling to even loosen his grip on you.

‘Not until you talk to me,’ he said. He tilted his head to the side to kiss your cheek, his thumb swiping just below the waterline of your eye.

You had only cried in front of Hoseok twice before. The first time was when your dog had died during the first year of college. The second was when you had gotten into a huge fight with your father when you told him that you were moving in with your boyfriend. Sometimes words are the only firepower your enemies need when they’re trying to destroy you. A simple ‘You’re dead to me’ is all that you need to keep the door to your past firmly sealed. Both times, Hoseok had held you through the length of the ordeal, hugging you tightly to his chest, whispering how he would never let you go.

Those times had reasons, easy explanations for your sudden outburst of emotion. This time was different. You had shared your deepest connection with one another, spent the morning in each other’s embrace, and you had just reassured him of your own happiness. Your fragile shell that kept the nasty mess on the inside hidden felt like it was starting to crack, as if it could only contain so many lies before it shattered into useless pieces and you were exposed.

You shook your head again, tucking your chin into your chest, doing your best to angle away from him. But Hoseok couldn’t understand this.

‘Babe, no, what did I do? Please?’ His voice took on a tone of urgency, a wave of panic washing over his features. ‘Please talk to me.’

‘I just-’ the words made your voice crack, the knot in your throat making normal speech impossible. ‘I need to go.’

‘Where?’ Hoseok wouldn’t give an inch. A glance upward showed you his jaw firmly set, his arms locked around you like cement.

You pushed on his chest, squirming, trying to shove him away, but Hoseok wouldn’t let go.

He shifted underneath you and suddenly rolled over, flipping himself into a position where he had more control, his weight pinning you down. Hoseok stared directly into your eyes, refusing to flinch. You weren’t sure where this determination came from, but it was just as sudden as your tears.

‘You don’t just suddenly start crying without a reason,’ he said. ‘I’ve said this a million times, but I guess once more won’t hurt. You can trust me.’ His eyes widened and he gave a slight nod before pausing and waiting for your response.

You still couldn’t breath, and Hoseok’s weight did nothing to help - his chest flush against yours.

‘I do trust you,’ you wheezed. You tried to push him up and off of you, but he had become an immovable anchor.

Hoseok looked down at you skeptically.

‘If you did, then you would tell me what’s wrong. I just spent the best morning with you, and I can’t figure out what just happened on my own. You have to tell me so that I can fix it for you.’

‘Hoseok,’ your voice threatened to break again as you spoke. You swallowed, closed your eyes, and took a deep breath. You could feel the worry burn behind his expression without even looking. Even so, he was wasting his time.

‘Hoseok, you can’t fix this.’

‘I could if you would let me in, let me try. If you trusted me, you would give me a chance.’

‘That’s not the same thing,’ you said. You looked up at him, carefully studying him. How close was he to untangling your knot?

The corners of his mouth turned up as your eyes met his, a tiny smile, trying to encourage you.

‘How is it not?’

‘Please just let me go,’ you insisted.

His smile disappeared with a sigh. Hoseok rolled off of you in disappointed surrender. On his back, he stared at the ceiling. For the first time in a long time, his bottom lip disappeared between his teeth, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed hard.

It was done. You had finally hurt him, pushed him away with all your hard edges.

You took a moment to breath, noting the strangeness of being able to do so freely. The lack of Hoseok’s weight made you feel so much lighter than you actually were. Your body pleaded with you to stay where you were, your conscience imploring you to at least take his hand. A small gesture, but it would start the reparations, duct tape on shattered glass.

You did neither.

You sat up, smoothing out the hair at the back of your head, getting your bearings once more.

Hoseok didn’t move. He didn’t say anything as you got to your feet. The man you had been so intimate with, shared everything except for your darkest secrets, was being walled out. As the seconds flew by, so the wall was built higher and thicker, impenetrable, more unbreakable as you became more resolute.

You grabbed your backpack from the closet and quickly shoved a few pieces of clothing inside. The rest you could buy if you needed. Phone, charger, toothbrush, hairbrush. You focused on the process, each step that you needed to get done to accomplish the larger end goal. You tried not to look at Hoseok on the bed, staring at the ceiling in shock. You pretended not to notice the covers balled up into his fists. At last, you zipped up your bag loudly and stepped towards the door.

‘Why?’ came his voice, delicately thin.

You turned. Hoseok was sitting up, his eyes glinting.

‘Why won’t you trust me?’ he said.

Hoseok stumbled as he stood, reaching for anything he could use to cover himself. He fumbled with a pair of sweatpants, frantically trying to get them up and over his hips before you could leave. He saw the timer you had set, watched as the last few particles of sand fell to the bottom of the hourglass you had turned over.

You shook your head. This was it. It was for the best.

‘I do trust you,’ you said. ‘It’s not about that.’ You turned away once more, making your way to the front door.

Hoseok followed you doggedly, his breathing ragged as he grabbed at you.

‘If you trusted me -’ He finally caught your wrist, pulling you around to face him. Seeing him on the brink, his face red, his chest flushed for a different reason almost broke you. Your mind was made up, but your will to follow through was weak.

He pulled you close, sniffled and swallowed again before speaking.

‘If you trust me, then you know - you know the truth,’ said Hoseok. He looked into your eyes with no shame in how he felt. ‘You know that I love you more than anything. This isn’t anything that we can’t work through together.’

He wrapped an arm around your back and guided your entrapped hand back to his chest, back to where he thought it belonged. You could feel your will start to bend, giving out as Hoseok held you close. You didn’t notice his scent or the texture of his skin. There was only his eyes wide with hurt, frightened by the thought of his loss.

‘Please,’ he said, lowering to a whisper as he leaned in close to you. His nose brushed yours and your eyes shut by instinct. ‘Don’t go. Stay - stay with me.’

Somewhere deep within, an eerie sense of relief flooded your nervous system, your heartbeat slowing as your determination crumbled into dust in Hoseok’s hands. A new decision had been made. For now.

You reached up blindly, your fingertips following the familiar lines of his chest, his neck, until they brushed against the edge of his jaw. It was easy, then, to slide your palm over the angle of his cheek, your thumb glancing over the edge of his cheekbone. You felt Hoseok lean into your touch, the weight of his head falling into your hand in a half-measure of trust.

Hoseok nearly trembled from the aftershocks of his own relief, the danger of losing you too close for any sort of comfort. He let out a sigh pregnant with unreleased sobs, the ones that clenched his throat shut before, that left him silent and stunned.

A small drop of moisture met the pad of your thumb. You knew you couldn’t look if he was crying. Hoseok leaned forward slightly and searched for your lips, making awkward, poorly angled contact before finally connecting. He kissed you in multiples, all his longing and love poured out as he pressed against you. His breath shook in waves down your face between each kiss, his pulse still racing in the arms that encased you.

Soon Hoseok pulled back just enough to speak without his lips brushing against yours. But he didn’t say a word, only holding onto you tightly and taking a step backwards, dragging you with him. Back. Away from the door, step by step. Each one felt like another fragment of your wall being knocked to the ground, demolished. What you thought was unbreakable was actually made of eggshell that cracked at will.

How could you have thought that you would be strong enough to break him, to convince Hoseok to stop loving you? But still the errant part of you persisted, shouting that only a fool couldn’t see through you now. You were transparent, your unfeeling heart bared. But you hadn’t said a word either.

You opened your eyes as Hoseok began to walk you away from the exit and back towards your room. He looked down at you, and you could still see the fear that had stained his features. You could see the immediate result of what you had threatened, and it was worse than what you had pictured it being had you stayed strong and followed through, if you had stepped out the door and left Hoseok in your past.

It could be that this staying, staying with him and choosing to be with him, was a display of strength all on its own. You could choose to fight for the small sliver of happiness that your heart felt when Hoseok had risen to his feet and chose to fight for you. He had swallowed the heartbreak, fought off the fear, he had stayed strong. It was too bad that his only prize was you, a poor excuse.

But the taste of it, the tiny flutter you felt as Hoseok had brought you into him was intoxicating. It was new, different, and you wanted more. It felt like shaking off the cold and stepping into the warm sunlight for the first time in spring, your body rejoicing in the warmth it no longer had to replenish by itself.

By the end of the hallway, Hoseok no longer had to pull you, but you followed him willingly, taking the hand that he offered you without questioning it, marveling at how your fingers fit so perfectly in between his. Your bones ached at how tightly he squeezed in return, but you would not complain, the force of his affection overcoming his sensibility.

As you walked forward, there was a part of you that wanted what you had left behind in your bag, that wanted what those items meant. There was a strong appeal to your instincts in their significance - freedom from the burden of having to act in a role that was not meant for you, freedom for yourself to be yourself. It was just toothpaste physically, a hairbrush shoved in beside it, but the ideals they contained were so much more.

You had split into two halves of yourself. Ahead of you was Hoseok, steady, keeping you with him safely. It was this the reliability - the being wanted - that appealed to you so much, and you didn’t have a way to deny it. The evidence was on the table, even if only you could see your cards. Hoseok was all of those things and more, minus the animal magnetism that seemed to be typical.

You were supposed to crave the touch of your partner, you were supposed to want him so badly it hurt. But by yourself - when Hoseok was away - you were okay. You didn’t notice much of a difference except for the sudden increase in personal space, breathing room, something he didn’t really believe in. But now, being not just towed away from the door, but willingly following him, following your heart, the flood of emotion was unlike anything you had felt before.

But the other half of you still remained, standing unthwarted, sent your thoughts whirling at what you had walked away from. Maybe you would always wonder what would have happened if you had let yourself turn completely to ice and stone, to let your feelings drain through your body and let yourself stay as empty as you felt as you walked away from it all.

The other side of the question hung heavily in your mind too. Would your conscience even allow you to do that to another person? Hurting Hoseok and breaking his heart, those were choices you would never be able to undo, bridges burnt that you wouldn’t be able to rebuild. You had so carefully set yourself up around him, let your life become centered around him that even if you had the strength that you needed to demolish part of his world, the strength and endurance that you needed to do the same to yourself was olympian. Everything would have to change.

In some way or another, things were going to have to change anyway, for good or bad.

Back in your room, back where you had started, Hoseok pulled you close, fingertips gingerly outlining your face. His breath wavered as he studied you. He held you tightly once more, but this time, you exhaled and released the tension in your back, letting the resentment drop from your jaw. You let yourself exist in his space, you leaned forward to rest your forehead on his, your eyes closing. You let yourself breathe him in. You felt his heartbeat under your palms, as if you had never felt it before. His warmth encased you, his skin a soft place to rest. You breathed and you didn’t notice the scent stained with sex or the unwashed coat of dried sweat on his shoulders. He was Hoseok and he was yours.

His wide hand held you in place, his lips reaching down and finding yours without a moment of hesitation. He kissed you and you found yourself reaching to kiss him back. The texture of his lips was like a new territory and you pressed against them, wondering why you had never noticed how soft they were.

He pulled away after a moment, his proximity lacking the tension where you could strike a match and light the room ablaze. It was a moment of reflection and an affection that went deeper than just the meeting of your physical selves. Hoseok exhaled heavily under your touch, his nose brushing yours. He wanted to exist in your space, and you let him in willingly.

Even if it was just for now. Even just now, just this moment was enough. He was Hoseok and you were his.

Together you lingered there. In his arms, time had no significance, no effect on your souls. The passing minutes meant nothing. None of it was wasted, but everything that there was to gain was laid out in front of you. Your own arms could only carry so much, and all that you chose was Hoseok.

You could have stayed there with him until your legs gave out, until nature called you elsewhere, but his phone buzzing from the nightstand pulled you out of your infatuated reverie.

‘Not now,’ Hoseok said, a mutter under his breath. He let his lips press against yours before pulling himself away, using all of his strength to make his palms leave your surface, his fingertips peeling away from your face.

While he took the call, you planted yourself on the end of the bed, wrapping your arms around the knees you brought to your chest. You looked around as if the room wasn’t your own, as if this were a stranger’s house. You weren’t sure what you should do, except to wait for Hoseok.

He hung up a few minutes later with a heavy sigh. You knew what he was going to say next. You had it memorized, but this time the words brought more of a feeling of disappointment, rather than the usual relief.

‘They want me to come in today,’ Hoseok said. He threw down his phone with disgust. ‘We just got off the road, I was hoping they would give me just one day.’ His hand lighted on your shoulder as he walked by your spot, as if he were making sure you were real, that you were still there. He gathered items of clothing from the closet and the dresser you shared and piled them beside you neatly.

You were observing them absently when his touch on your wrist and his shadow over you brought you out of your thoughts.

‘Come on,’ he said, motioning backwards with his head. Hoseok pulled gently and took a step back. He didn’t smile, and his expression didn’t light up with playfulness the way it usually did when he tried to lead you into the bathroom.

‘Hoseok -’ you started, rooting yourself to your spot stubbornly the moment you had your destination figured out.

‘Come with me,’ he said. His hand slid down to yours and he took another step back.

‘I don’t want to shower again,’ you said.

‘It’s not that, just trust me,’ he said. Hoseok pulled again, holding the opposite arm open, opening himself for you to step into. You remembered how his heartbeat responded to you, how your own responded to the warmth of his arms, and this time, you followed him, watching him carefully.

Hoseok didn’t break, he simply tempted you forward until he could close the door behind you. He did, and turning to face you, locked it suddenly.

You opened your mouth to protest. Before you could, Hoseok moved to wrap himself around you, brushing stray hair away from your face, kissing your cheek, doing everything he could to be reassuring.

‘I know you think that I don’t know you, but I do. I do know you, and I see you,’ he said softly. ‘I know you’re not going to stop thinking about that door, about how things would be if you had gone through it.’

You looked up at him in shock. You had been careful to keep your poker face until today, you couldn’t figure out how he could know.

‘So you’re just going to lock me in here?’ you said. You tried to cross your arms over your chest, but his proximity made it difficult.

‘No, but I do plan on keeping you with me as much as I can,’ Hoseok said. He kissed your cheek, but let his lips hover near your ear. ‘I know you and you know me. I need you, and I need to know you’re going to stay. That I’m not going to lose you.’

He unravelled himself with regret and self-control that weighed in his limbs. He glanced back at you continuously as he turned on the hot water. He angled himself to face you, standing as a blockade between you and the door as he undressed.

Your attempt at leaving, at starting over, at freeing Hoseok from yourself had failed miserably. But still, you had tried, and now, in front of you stood the consequences of your choices.

Hoseok’s eyes were wide, sad, and almost haunted as he worked the sweatpants from his ankles and tossed them in the corner.

You slid onto the countertop beside the sink, scooting products aside. You could feel him watching you, the burn of his gaze on your skin. When your eyes met his, he was suddenly much closer, once more invading your personal space. Once more, his lips sought yours, his kiss sealing you in place on the hard counter. Hoseok inhaled while pressing forward, filling himself with your air.

He finally pulled away when the mirror began to fog up with steam.

He didn’t close the curtain behind him as he slid into the shower, not caring about getting water everywhere. His eyes stayed glued on you, his gaze holding you captive.

Maybe you hadn’t left, but Hoseok had been irreparably altered by his almost loss.

The thoughts of what life would be like if you had stepped through the door dissipated as you looked back at Hoseok. The damage you had done was more than enough, more than you could handle.

You were only beginning to learn to heal yourself, to learn of the things you were capable of. Could you save yourself and Hoseok at the same time? You looked at yourself, and you didn’t see strength. It was weakness that had kept you here for so long, but now it was weakness that Hoseok had been reduced to. But that was your fault.

Looking back at him, you knew. The water running down his body could not rinse away the hurt that you had dealt, the doubt you had planted in his heart, but maybe you could.

If only you knew how.


	3. Three

Leaves are one of those things. One day, it can feel like maybe you finally turned it over, things can finally start fresh again, but leaves are fickle things. All it takes is a slight breeze and you're right back to where you started. Leaves are incapable of holding on to anything but your nice sweater. 

You thought carefully as Hoseok poured coffee into two mugs. Were you a leaf or an anchor? Hoseok was an anchor, there was no question. He was solid, unbreakable. He was the type of person you knew would be there, no matter when or what the issue. If only you could say the same for yourself.

But that was your goal. 

Hoseok's arm wove around your back as he replaced the coffee pot on the counter. He sat down facing you, pulling your stool closer between his legs. 

You studied him carefully, but Hoseok did not meet your gaze. Instead he rested his forehead on your shoulder, tired, worn out by the morning's ordeal. You felt another pang of guilt wrench tightly in your throat. You did what you could, tilting your head and snuffling your nose through the hair at the top of his head. 

Hoseok pinched your side and sat up slightly. 

“Drink your coffee,” he said. He nudged your mug closer to you before taking up his spot on your shoulder again. 

“Why aren't you drinking yours?” You played your fingertips lightly over his scalp. 

Hoseok sighed. 

“I have to leave soon,” he said quietly. 

The tension ebbing from his frame was thick. From all the years you had known Hoseok you knew that the best thing you could do at a time like this was nothing. You wanted to help, to shove the burden from his shoulders, but his thoughts, his heart, they were his own and he had to work through things at his own pace. Of course, at his own pace, with his fingers tangled in yours.

Hoseok sighed again and lifted his head. His lips brushed against your cheek, more from habit than a kiss on purpose. 

“You should come with me,” he said. There was no question, no simple request in his tone. 

“Will it make you feel better?” You said. You don't know why, it wasn't something you normally asked, but somehow, this time it seemed important. 

Hoseok nodded, this time making eye contact. 

“I need - I need to know you're not gone,” he said. 

You gave him a sad smile, and bridged the gap between your lips and his cheek. 

“I'm not gone,” you said in a small voice. “I'm right here.” 

Your heart have a tiny flutter to hear your own words. They didn't feel cold or distant, they felt like they came straight from your chest. 

Hoseok's hand on your side spread wide, his thumb rubbing a warm arc into your skin. He leaned in close again, and you felt his nose press against your cheekbone. 

You closed your eyes to focus on him, on how he felt. He was holding you, it was real and personal, but still foreign. 

He placed a soft, lonely kiss on your cheek before leaning back and picking up your mug. 

You stirred and looked from the mug to his face. You didn't take it.

Hoseok held out the coffee insistently. 

“I don't want anything, I'm okay,” you said. 

“This isn't about you,” he said. “Drink.” His tone was commanding, lacking any sort of tenderness. 

The roughness of it took you by surprise, and you accepted the coffee, more from shock than anything else. Hoseok watched you until you took a full sip and swallowed. 

You gave him a “there, I did it,” look and tried to put it back on the counter. 

Hoseok sighed loudly. 

“You should eat something too,” he said. 

“I'll eat if you eat,” you said defiantly. His fingertips traced your shoulder blade. 

Hoseok had seemed to run out of words, simply shaking his head and wiggling himself closer. 

The shock of everything, having just come back from the brink of disaster - it was still so overwhelming. Hoseok laid his head on your shoulder once more, unwilling or unable to move away from you. 

His phone beeped and vibrated from the other side of the kitchen island you used as a table. 

“You should probably get going,” you said softly. You hooked an arm around to his back, doing your best to hold him in return. 

Hoseok sighed again, his shoulders shifting over your touch as he gathered the will to stand. He did so slowly and soon towered over you. You braced for him to say his usual goodbye, wanting nothing more than the familiarity and love that went into the gesture, but it never came. 

Hoseok looked down at you, his eyes wide and red. 

“Are you ready to go?” He shrugged towards the door. 

“You're serious?” 

He nodded. 

“I can't- I'm not ready to go without you today,” he said. Hoseok's face glinted red with shame at admitting his need. His fingers played in the ends of your hair. That was familiar, a habit for when he was waiting for you to pay attention to him. 

“It's okay,” your said sadly. “You're allowed to say you don't trust me. I wouldn't trust me either.”

“It's not- no-” he stumbled over his twisting words and thoughts, all of it knotting in his mouth, trying to get out at once. “I… I saw something in you, something I never want to see again. I'm worried about you, okay?” 

You nodded and stood, wrapping your arms around his torso, letting yourself sink into his chest.

Hoseok held you without hesitation. His hand caressing lovingly over the small of your back. 

“You don't need to be worried about me. All you should worry about is surviving that new choreo,” you said. You looked up at him and tried to smile. 

Hoseok didn't return the look. You probably told him something similar before. In fact, he looked doubtful, the concern weighing heavy in the centre of his forehead. 

“I almost lost you an hour ago. You don't get to tell me what I should be worried about.” The words were cold, the steel ringing in his voice. 

The tears stung at the corners of your eyes, and you tried to pull away from him, but the trap of his arms had already sprung. He gripped the back of your t-shirt, keeping you in place against his chest. 

“I already broke everything, I'm the worst, I know,” you said bitterly. “Why don't you just let me go then? You shouldn't want to be with me.” 

The words tore from your mouth before you could stop them. There they were. Out in the open. Broken glass to cut him, just enough to let you go. To let you be free of this thing you thought you didn't feel anything for. 

But the years with Hoseok had formed a habit that was hard to break, and you were used to it, used to all of it. The sounds- how he got ready for bed, how he ate, how he sang when he helped you clean the apartment. The feeling of his hands, or some part of him against you. The feeling that Hoseok was home for you. Without him, what did you have? The question still had no answer. 

But at least you had dared to ask it. 

The effect of your words was immediate and obvious. Hoseok's arms fell from your frame uselessly to his sides. He took a step back, looking at you with eyes deep with sadness. 

“Don't you dare- don't- don't ever say anything like that again,” he said. “I've only ever wanted you, to be with you. How can you even think things like that?” His face scrunched in concentration, trying to keep the tide at bay, under his surface. Hoseok stopped to take a heavy breath.

You watched him silently. If only the earth would split open and swallow you whole. That was the only way you were getting out of this. You deserve it though, you started it. If only you knew how you could finish it without hurting him irreparably. 

Hoseok reached for you, reached to cup your face. The motion was unsure, unsteady. Something you had never seen from him. It unsettled you to your core, and you flinched as you saw the hand come close to you. 

Gentleness was not what you were expecting, not reasonably. Just like Hoseok didn't expect to see the fear and doubt stain your features.

He almost pulled back at first, almost retreated, but he took a deep breath to steady himself. Resolved to make this connection with you, Hoseok inched closer until the warmth of his palm settled on your cheek. 

You closed your eyes, your heart racing. His touch was soothing, and you should have melted into it, but the ice still hung in thick layers from your shoulders from the hurt you had dealt to both him and yourself. 

Hoseok's other hand pressed against your chest, it's width covering your heart. 

“Why are you scared of me?” His voice was laced with pain, with sadness. 

His phone buzzed with another missed call. 

You covered his hand on your heart with your own. 

“I don't know what's wrong with me,” you said. You looked up to meet his eyes. “But none of this is your fault. You shouldn't feel like you need to fix me.” 

Hoseok stepped in closer. He leaned down, and you felt his breath on your face. Hot and sweet, his signature. 

Like a homing missile, you knew where he was headed. His face angled down, lips searching for yours. Predictable Hoseok. 

You let him kiss you, face him the satisfaction of feeling like you we somehow making and with the simple physical gesture. You gave him one second, two, three, before you pulled away. 

There was none of the desperation of the morning, none of the hunger that Hoseok usually poured into your mouth. Just a tender affection, a silent statement of his desire to be with you, to be close with you. 

But it seemed like everything you did hurt him. God, why couldn't you stop hurting him? 

“You should go,” you whispered. 

The only answer was the creak of the refrigerator in the corner. 

Hoseok swept the pad of his thumb over your cheekbone gingerly, his eyes locked into you. He gave no notion, no hint of acceptance, no sign of motion. 

“You're coming with me, right?” He said, finally. 

“I only get in the way there.” 

Hoseok sighed. He closed any distance between you, locking an arm around your waist, leaning in to kiss your forehead. He leaned back just to look down at you. His expression was serious. 

“The only way I'll leave is if you promise that you'll still be here when I get back,” he said. 

“I'll do my best “ 

“That's not good enough,” he said. “You have to- we need to work this out, whatever it is. Please give me a chance.” 

“A chance for what?” 

Hoseok stepped back, running his fingers through his hair in annoyance. 

“To help you, to work this out together. Whatever it is.”

You crossed your arms over your stomach, constructing a barrier between you. 

“I already told you, Hoseok, this isn't your problem. You shouldn't worry about me. I just have to- I don't know, figure things out.”

“How long have we been together?” His voice rose as he spoke. A tiny hint of anger flashed into his expression. “How long have I been your boyfriend? And you think- what, all of it means nothing to me? ‘Oh, my girlfriend is going through some tough shit, but whatever, it's just her problem, no worries!’” His tone was mocking, as if the mere thought was ridiculous. “Anything you go through, your problems are my problems too. You should trust me that much at least. You should have some sort of faith in me, in what I've built with you.” 

You were stunned. What could you say that would be worth his time? What could you say that could match his intensity and focus? 

“You should go,” you heard yourself repeat. 

Hoseok scoffed loudly. 

“As if I'm going to listen to you.” 

He took your arm and towed your away from the front door, snatching his phone from the counter. He was grim with his determination, his jaw clenched. His hand unyielding in its direction. 

Maybe you were both discovering new sides of yourself. Your hurtful honesty. Hoseok's grim determination. 

“It's not like everything will be magically fixed if you stay home today, or even if I go with you. Sitting in a corner watching you dance isn't a recipe for anything.” 

You felt Hoseok's grip on your arm waver for a moment. The truth in your words was unavoidable. You could be right about some things, even if your perception of the world itself was way off base. 

Hoseok's gaze met yours, but the determination he had a moment ago has completely dissolved into confusion. 

Your relationship with him before this had always been generally problem-free, your desire to please him, to keep him away from the cold distance in your heart had kept things running smoothly until now. But now, your strides had hitched, the rhythm and sync of your lives had been thrown off the rails. The destiny of every relationship. 

Whether it got back on track, whether things could continue was up to you. 

The shock of the truth had rendered him incapable, left him without course or direction. 

What was next? 

The look in his eyes said more than he could manage with his voice. He was stuck, frozen in place. What was he supposed to do? His expression pleaded with you for help.

What could you give him that he didn't already have? 

“You should go to practice,” you said. “I'll be here when you get back.” You said it matter-of-factly, masking any emotion in your voice. 

Hoseok stepped closer, his eyes wide with concern. 

“You promise?” The edge of doubt, the tone of mistrust, those hurt more than anything he could have said. 

“I promise,” you said firmly. “I'll be here and then - then we can talk.” 

Hoseok's frame relaxed and he was back in your space again. He pressed his lips to yours, not hungrily, but still seeking. You poured what warmth you could muster into returning the gesture. 

His fingers nested in the hair at the back of your head, drawing you against his chest, memorizing you with his kiss. 

As if you might disappear. 

He drew on a shaky breath as he retreated unwillingly. His unwillingness permeated his every motion. Letting go of you. Putting on his jacket. His eyes constantly shot back from his shoelaces to you. 

You stayed put for all of it, holding still for Hoseok's final goodbye kiss, his hand knotting at your back. 

“I love you, okay?” said Hoseok. He waited for you to respond, for any sorry of hint from you that you felt the same. He was sincere, apologetic, his honesty heartwarming. 

You felt yourself be moved, your edges beginning to melt. Your pulse rioted in your veins, your head swimming with thoughts. 

After all that hell… He still...

His fingertips traced your jawline as he waited patiently. 

“Babe?” He kissed you again, as if to bring you back to earth. “Where did you go?” 

You shook your head, trying to keep yourself centred. In the moment with him. 

“Sorry, I got lost in my head for a moment,” you said with a tiny voice. Your cheeks coloured. 

Hoseok gave you a small smile. 

“Well, I love you anyway,” he said warmly. “Even when you go places where I can't follow.” He tapped your temple playfully. “You love me too, right?” He needed this. More than anything he needed to hear you say it. You could tell from the way he was touching you, technically holding you, but at a distance. Until he knew it was going to be okay. 

And only you could make it okay for him. That power lay solely in your hands, even if you had never wanted it. It didn't matter what you wanted at this point, it was the way things had unfolded, the way you had woven your lives together. 

“You know I do,” you said softly. 

“But pretend that I don't. Just for today.” Hoseok lowered his face to your eye-level, placing his lips purposefully within easy reach. 

You sighed and slid your palms up his chest, a gesture you knew he would love. 

“Hoseok,” you said. But even the familiar name sounded foreign on your tongue. “I love you.” The words felt robotic, an automated response. But at this moment, it didn't matter how you felt, it only mattered that Hoseok believed you. 

And he did. At least for now. 

Hoseok smiled through the veneer of sadness in his expression. 

Another stolen kiss later and he stepped away, the regret to be parted making every movement abnormally slow. 

“We'll talk later, okay?” he said, looking back at you over his shoulder, his hand on the doorknob. 

“Can't wait,” you said with a grimace. 

Hoseok sighed and stepped out the door.

The lack of his presence was immediately noticeable. He was gone now, but why did it feel like you wanted him to stay? The weight at your centre felt like a ton of bricks had been suddenly forced on you, forcing the air from your lungs. 

How could you just stay here, waiting for the bottom to drop out from under you? What were you supposed to do? There was no telling how long Hoseok would be gone, his schedule beyond erratic and unpredictable. It felt like you were waiting for the end. 

You stayed still, frozen in your fearful thoughts. But maybe you were making sure he didn't change his mind. 

Your thoughts scattered into countless pieces. You pictured the outcome of telling Hoseok the truth, how all the years with him had been lies. It was worse than the waiting, worse than the look in his eyes as he doubted you, lost his faith in you. 

No. You couldn't handle this. You were too weak, and that much you could admit. There wasn't enough pride in the world to make it worth it. 

You took a step back, your legs shaking. Was this - could you? 

You took a deep breath, swallowing hard. You settled it in your mind. 

This was better. 

You turned, your thoughts consumed with the still-packed backpack on the bedroom floor where Hoseok had thrown it. 

It was a broken promise, yes, but it was the lesser of the two evils available to you. You couldn't think of how Hoseok would react when he got home to your empty apartment, there was no room to consider it. It was unimaginable. 

You changed quickly, grabbing an extra sweater and, just for the sentiment, one of Hoseok's favourite baseball caps. You did the quick math as you swung the bag strap over your shoulder.

You would have enough for the train ticket, hopefully. Not enough for a hotel. And no destination. 

You stepped out the door, letting the air fill your lungs. It was strange and refreshing, as if you had never been outside before. You squinted into the sunlight as you stepped down onto the sidewalk. 

It wasn't far from here. Only a few kilometers to go.


	4. Four

The train station bustled with the mid-afternoon rush. People dashed in front of you and behind you and around you, and your senses were overwhelmed. The noise of the footsteps, the constant loop of announcements over the PA system, and the high-pitched grind of the train brakes on the rails combined into a chaotic chorus that left you disoriented and confused.

 

You stood in front of the departures board, scanning the different destinations you could choose from, trying to ignore the ones you had already missed. It was difficult to focus with the crowd milling around you. 

 

Where should you go? 

 

You felt your phone buzz in your backpack, but you knew better than to look. Hoseok was the only one who ever texted you. Of course it was him. You couldn’t look back now, the decision had been made. You couldn’t stay, couldn’t hurt him more. 

 

You defied any rationality and picked a random city with a later departure - enough time to buy your ticket and get where you needed to go. You took a deep breath and walked to the ticket window.

 

Finding where you were supposed to be was much more difficult than even picking a destination. Some of the lines connected with each other at different stations, and figuring out which was which was almost rocket science. 

 

Your heart felt like it was beating in the back of your throat as you walked down to the right train tunnel. The music in your earphones meant nothing, just background noise to make you dizzy. Your pulse skyrocketed, your palms became damp.

 

There really was no going back after this.

 

You found a seat on the correct platform just in time, feeling your the muscles in your legs become gelatinous and finally give way. The reoccurring thought, the endless loop of film in your mind, it was all Hoseok. You had promised him, and then you had immediately broken it. How could anyone reconcile that? 

 

You guessed at the hours remaining until he got home. Would he even get home tonight? There were some times where he was gone a lot longer than he had initially expected. Your thoughts struggled for rationality, for purchase, for some kind of organisation. You focused on a spot where several tiles on the floor had cracked in tiny veins, fighting with yourself.

 

The thought of Hoseok’s broken heart haunted you, but was it really inevitable? Why did you always feel powerless? Were you ever strong? 

 

The hours passed in this cycle of self-punishment, reasoning yourself into believing your excuses for leaving, a cruel circle. Your train had long since come and departed without you when a voice shook you out of your head.

 

‘Excuse me,’ it said. 

 

You looked to see a squat, middle-aged security guard, his keys jingling from his belt as he shifted his stance.

 

‘Excuse me,’ he repeated. ‘Are you alright?’

 

‘Yeah,’ was your first, thoughtless response. You shook your head to clear the cobwebs. ‘Yeah, I’m fine. Just waiting for someone.’

 

‘If you say so. The last train left a while ago, you know,’ he said.

 

Had you really been here that long? You glanced at the timeboard in alarm. It was almost nine - at night. Your stomach rumbled obviously, and your hands shook as you pulled your backpack over your shoulders. Your legs threatened to give out again as you walked out of the station, but you were determined now. But were you too late?

 

You were hungry, sure. But you wanted Hoseok more. The thought, admitting that you felt even a little for him, it flooded your systems with relief. Maybe you could make progress. 

 

Maybe you could make it home before Hoseok. You speedwalked, almost running, the whole way home. But your heart fell as you saw the living room light through the front window. You were too late. He was home, but he wasn’t alone.

 

You stood in the shadow of the dusk, watching him pace the living room irritably. One of his groupmates sat on the edge of your tiny couch, looking at Hoseok with worry. Hoseok turned, raking his fingers through his hair. 

 

You swallowed and walked up to the door. Your hand froze on the handle. Of course it was locked, he wasn’t crazy. But there went your surprise entry. He would know it was you. He would know you had tried to leave.

 

Of course he already knew.

 

You could feel the tension through the door as you did your best to silently slip your key into the lock. Your fingers fumbled with one of your keychains, knocking the tiny silver heart against the door frame. You heard the voices inside go quiet. The only sound was the pounding of your heart as you turned the key and stepped inside.

 

Hoseok’s eyes peered around the hallway corner. They glistened through the dim lighting, and Hoseok’s staggered breathing tore through the still air.

 

You took your time. Setting down your bag, slipping out of your shoes, all at a snail’s pace. He waited patiently, stepping around to watch you fully. He stood with his arms crossed over his chest, stiff and motionless.

 

You knew. You knew you were in for it. You could practically hear his voice, distorted with anger, and by all means, you deserved it. You had tried to break your promise to stay, as if his heart meant nothing to you. You had betrayed his trust in one of the worst ways. The way you did didn’t even matter, it was the fact that you did it at all. 

 

You braced for it, the hot tears starting purely from how ashamed you were of yourself. Wordlessly you had begun to tear yourself down, your intentions toward yourself lacking all the kindnesses they might have otherwise had. But that was okay. You weren’t someone that deserved kindness. You could only stare at the floor, all pride and pretense fallen by the wayside, unable to meet his eyes.

 

But before you could even consider how to apologize, to ask him how you could make it up to him, if at all, Hoseok crossed the distance between you and swung his arms around you, crushing you to his torso. He spared no air for your lungs or thought for your ribs, there was only you and the thought of how close he had come to losing you for good.

 

Your arms were pinned between your ribs and his chest, your breaths shallow and struggling, but it didn’t matter much. You were home, and it didn’t have anything to do with the building or your things or furniture. You closed your eyes and let yourself be crushed, refusing to struggle or complain. 

 

Hoseok combed his fingers through your hair, his lips against your forehead.

 

‘I was so worried you weren’t coming back,’ he whispered. His fear was evident in his hold, his desperate clinging, his fingers digging into your back. His breath was shaky, his voice trembling. 

 

‘I’m sorry,’ was all you manage in return, your voice muffled in his shirt. 

 

He stayed around you this way for way few moments longer, only releasing you when Hyunwoo appeared from around the corner.

 

‘All good then?’ he said, looking past you to Hoseok.

 

Hoseok, still with his arm around you in his incessant need to be in contact with you, nodded, sniffing loudly.

 

‘You guys should talk,’ said Hyunwoo, making purposeful eye contact with you as he passed you.

 

Hoseok squeezed your side in affirmation, the curve of his chest resting against your shoulder. 

 

Hyunwoo slipped on his jacket, turning to face you. 

 

‘I’m glad you didn’t leave,’ he said finally, one final nod at Hoseok behind you before heading out, closing the door gently behind himself. 

 

You were still frozen in the thought, staring at the closed door, when you felt your fingers being separated by Hoseok’s. He pulled you forward, leading you away from the door, just in case you changed your mind again.

 

You followed him without resisting. His shoulders, normally wide and proud, seemed now to sink beneath a terrible weight, and you didn’t have to wonder what it was. You reached a trembling hand to rest between them, hoping maybe to lend him some courage, to put strength back where it should be.

 

Hoseok peered back over at you, giving you a sad smile. Maybe you should have been encouraged, but it felt like your heart weighed even more. It felt like it was a struggle just to keep breathing, to keep the blood flowing through your veins. 

 

He led you into the bedroom, turning to face you as you stood in front of the bed. He opened his mouth to say something, but no words would come out. 

 

You waited, but there was no anger, no rage, nothing like what you deserved. You braced for the storm, but Hoseok didn't move or speak, stuck in the thick mire of his own thoughts. 

 

It was on you.

 

A strange sense of boldness came over you, and you reached to cup his cheek into your palm. He fit perfectly, like he always had, his eyes shutting peacefully at your touch. You turned him and climbed backwards onto the covers, pulling him with you. There was no need, as Hoseok followed willingly, keeping your warmth on his skin.

 

You propped your back against the pillows and the headboard, motioning him closer. Hoseok hovered over you at first, starting sadly into your eyes, as if he doubted your sincerity. The look was no longer a blow, but an expectation. You deserved to be doubted, you couldn't be trusted. 

 

The apologies flooded your throat, but couldn't tear through the heavy blanket of silence that had fallen over both of you. You hoped that your torn expression would be enough for now as you looked up at him. 

 

Hoseok leaned down, resting an arm on either side of you. He came close, his eyes flickering down to your mouth. You nodded your consent wordlessly, but he still didn't kiss you. Hoseok studied you, and for once, you couldn't read what was going on in his mind. 

 

You wanted to tell him that you didn't mean it, you didn't mean to leave. That you realized you had been making a mistake. 

 

Then he reached for you, the pads of his fingers gently running the ridge of your jaw, down your neck, tracing the line of your collarbone over your shirt in a lazy fascination. Hoseok blinked slowly, his breathing loud and ragged. 

 

'You,’ he said quietly. 'You came back.’ 

 

Your heart picked up the pace with the panic and shame. You swallowed before speaking.

 

'I shouldn't have even left. I panicked and I freaked out and I don't know even know why,’ your voice strained over the words, pleading with yourself for calm. 

 

He idly traced the outline of your bottom lip with his thumb, bumping the tip of his nose against yours. 

 

Your instinct begged for you to touch him, to feel every part of him, but your conscience told you that you didn't have the right. His shoulders curved gracefully in front of your eyes, and you reached halfway before losing heart, your hands shaking in midair. 

 

‘Hoseok,’ your voice cracked. ‘I'm so sorry, I never meant to hurt you.’

 

Hoseok said nothing at first. He sat back, taking your outstretched hand and placing it on his chest. He covered it with his, keeping it prisoner there. 

 

“Don't be afraid of me,’ he said. He sniffled. “That - that's worse than anything else you could do to me.’ 

 

He leaned forward again, this time not hesitating to kiss your forehead, your palm still planted over his heart. 

 

He didn't say, “that's okay,” or, “I forgive you.” But really, you didn't expect him to forgive you at all.

 

He looked down at you, his eyes rounded and swimming with tears, his bottom lip trembling. The damage you caused with your recklessness. His fingers between yours squeezed tightly as his pain took him into dark places. 

 

You sat forward, your own tears starting to burn as you held his head between your hands. 

 

Hoseok nearly collapsed into your touch, overwhelmed and exhausted, crashing into you with all dignity forgotten, all pretense lost. His lips covered yours with a sad hunger, as if it were a fruitless endeavour. 

 

You wrapped your arms around him as tightly as you could, drawing him down to you. 

 

He paused to take in a breath, his wet eyelashes brushing against your cheek. 

 

“I…” his voice faded as he struggled to speak. “I can't believe I almost lost you.” 

 

“You won't,” you choked out through the knot in your throat. “You won't ever lose me.” 

 

Hoseok kissed you again, pressing against you fervently. His lips tasted of nothing but salt, his pressure drawing the air from your lungs. You would give it all to him if he asked. 

 

He rose up to his knees, his eyes never leaving your face. You watched him as he slowly peeled the shirt from his torso, opening your arms to him as he fell forward into you. 

 

His kiss lasted a few moments longer, and he sighed in relief as your palms slid against his bare skin, as if the surface was a fire that only you could put out. He sunk down as he kissed you, his arm slung around your lower back, tracing the bare skin he found there. 

 

You captured him and held him steady at your center, playing lightly in the short hair at the back of his neck as you returned his affection. This time willingly and present. You were sure that it was your lips against his, your skin that the waves of his breath skated down. He was Hoseok and he was here, all yours along with all the damage you had created. The heart you had so rashly broken. 

 

His back curved into your palm, his skin smooth and cool to the touch. 

 

Finally Hoseok retreated, his eyes boring into yours. 

 

You followed the tired lines under his eyes with your fingertips, Hoseok falling rapture to your simple affection, his eyelids falling shut. 

 

“You should rest,” you whispered. 

 

He shook his head. 

 

“I can't sleep,” he said. He leaned his head into your hand. “Not unless I know you'll be here when I wake up.” 

 

You reached up to lay a soft kiss on his forehead. 

 

“I'll be here,” you said, certain of yourself now. “I'll always be here.”

 

Hoseok opened his eyes, regarding you doubtfully. He sniffled, his tears starting to ease.

 

“I know that I fucked up, that I hurt you-”

 

Hoseok shushed you with a finger on your lips. 

 

“I don't want to talk about it right now. I'm tired of thinking about it.” 

 

He sank further down, wrapping his remaining arm around you. He lined your throat with a tender trail of featherlight kisses, settling between your legs, resting his head on your chest. His eyes fluttered closed as you stroked long circles down his back, fingers playing in his hair. 

 

Your thoughts buzzed as you held him, the long lines of his back spread out, bared in front of you. 

 

He was being too kind again. It worried you. Why wasn't he angry? If only he would yell or curse or something, anything to break the tension you felt deep inside yourself. Maybe you didn't understand everything about him. After all these years together, was there still more you didn't know about him? After all, you had never tested his boundaries quite like this. You had never tried to break free of yourself before. 

 

You reached over to switch off the bedside lamp, Hoseok's arms tightening as you shifted beneath him. 

 

Maybe the threat of breaking had helped you find a new perspective. You still felt the lack of emotion, pure apathy lurking beneath the surface, waiting to swallow you whole. Would it always be a constant battle with yourself? Would you always have to fight yourself to be good enough for him?

 

The questions swirled in your head until you were dizzy. But still you held him, sleeping in your arms while the night ticked on around you, your own mind plagued by your worries. 

 

You might not know yourself the way you wanted to, or know why every emotion was a struggle, but you did know what you wanted to be. Safety for Hoseok, a shelter he could turn to anytime things might get difficult for him. But how could you transform yourself from a rock on the ground that he might trip on, annoying and problematic, to someplace he might think of as home? You saw where you needed to be, what you needed to be, but you didn't know how to get there. 

 

Hoseok stirred, bracing himself on one arm long enough to peel himself off you and fall to the side. You distinctly felt the lack of him, missed the weight of him, and you looked down at him regretfully. 

 

Without opening his eyes, Hoseok took your wrist and pulled you down with him. His arms snaked around you, his flat palm finding the small of your back. Gently, he gathered you against his front, tucking you into his chest. His lips pressed warmly against your forehead.

 

“Sleep,” he whispered, his breath rustling in your hair. 

 

His heart beat steadily against your ear, and for a moment, you thought you might be able to. The gentle rhythm was lulling and familiar, but everything else, all the self blame and mental gymnastics pinned your consciousness in place, ripping sleep from your grasp. 

 

You wiggled yourself closer, trying to find a comfortable position, but nothing would work. 

 

Still the late hours wore on, you felt frozen in time and space, as the world kept moving on without you. You stared blankly off into the darkness of your bedroom. 

 

A few moments later, Hoseok sighed. 

 

“What's wrong?” His words barely had any volume, but shattered the thick silence that had fallen. 

 

“Why aren't you mad?” you heard yourself say, the words spilling out thoughtlessly. 

 

Hoseok didn't answer. His hand ran up your back, finding a better angle to hold you even more tightly. 

 

In the dark, you felt him carefully guide your face up to his. You felt his lips brush yours, but he didn't crash down like you guessed he would. 

 

“Tonight I really thought I had lost you,” he said. “I came home, and you were gone, your stuff was gone. It felt like I had lost... everything.” He pressed a tiny kiss of punctuation. “But you came back, you're here now.”

 

“But I fucked up so badly.”

 

“Don't, ok? Just don't. I just want to forget. Just for tonight.” 

 

“Ok.” Your voice was a tiny murmur, far away from where you felt you were. 

 

His arms didn't lose their pressure on your frame, even as he renewed his efforts to kiss you. It was messy in the dark and the exhaustion that tugged at both of you, his lips slipping or missing their target, but none of that reduced its significance. 

 

The rest of you began to enjoy this attention, but a tiny voice raised its fist in rebellion in the back of your mind. 

 

Would this be his solution to all your problems, then? Just to kiss you until you lost yourselves in the intimacy, forgetting what your real problems were? To ignore something long enough until it goes away? 

 

It was there, bare and exposed as if in broad daylight, but you didn't want to look at it either. Maybe he was right too. 

 

You tucked into him with a renewed focus, spreading your hands over his chest. His pressure increased in response, his hand on your back slipping beneath your shirt. 

 

At the flick of your tongue on his bottom lip, Hoseok surged forward, pushing you onto your back. His fingertips played in the waistband of your pants, wanting nothing more than to ease beneath all of your layers. 

 

Your mind raced with your pulse. Did you want this? Did he even want this, or were you both just doing it out of habit? 

 

Hoseok retreated to breathe, his pulse elevated under your touch. You felt him staring down, the questions in his eyes evident, even in the darkness. Had he felt your hesitation?

 

“You should sleep,” he said in a whisper, his voice low and breathless. His thumb gently traced your chin. 

 

He sat up, propping himself on an arm at your side. 

 

“Yeah.” You rolled onto your side, curling into a ball and facing away from him. “Yeah, you're right.” You closed your eyes and feigned falling asleep. 

 

Hoseok sighed loudly, falling down onto mattress behind you in a heavy heap. Without a second thought, his arms wove their way around your middle, untangling the knot you had made of yourself. He curled around your back, tucking you against himself. He swung his leg on top of yours, his heavy thigh keeping you in place. 

 

You felt his nose poke against your neck as his breathing eased and shallowed. 

 

And now you were here once more, staring at the window as Hoseok held you. He was right behind you, tangled around you in a mess of limbs. His chest rose and fell against your shoulder in the most familiar of patterns. 

 

He was close, but now, he felt even farther away from you. For entirely different reasons.

  
  
  



End file.
